all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize