i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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