I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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