You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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