i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Your penis caused this!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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