running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry my hands just texted you
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
