is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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