HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
