I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
