I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
