when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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