I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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