Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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