I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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