maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
