That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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