Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
