SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize