I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
