Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize