Already got asked if we're dating
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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