Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am one with the molecules
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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