I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
