I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
