Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
