As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize