I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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