Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
