This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
