she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
