this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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