Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize