Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize