I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
