I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
