I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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