i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
