This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
