Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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