I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
