i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This house was built for laser tag.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
