you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
