sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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