It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
