Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
