just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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