y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
