This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
