Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
