I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
