I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
