I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
