I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Houston, we have a blender
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
pray to the hookup gods
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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