I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize