Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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