I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
