Yo dont text me then not text me
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
