im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
