i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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