he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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