I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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