No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think my fart just growled at me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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