He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize