I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
