I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
