and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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